Top Ten List of Medical School Bloopers
9. The time I nearly fainted in an examining room. The physician was interviewing the mother and patient while I leaned against the sink because there were not enough chairs in the room. I don't know if I locked my knees or if my blood sugar was low, but I got hot flashes, started sweating, and my vision flickered. I tried to wait it out and shifted position a few times before I finally excused myself to find a chair, a snack, and a drink of water. When I returned no one said anything, and the doc didn't ask me about it later, which was a relief. This is why, like any good hobbit, I eat second breakfast!
8. The time on the Labor & Delivery ward overnight that I was so excited to be "scrubbing in" to a vaginal delivery that I dropped my sterile gown on the floor, then put it on before securing my face mask, which I did--but only after clumsily donning my sterile gloves. The tech called me out on it afterwards, and I readily admitted it'd been a hot mess. The patient ended up needing an episiotomy, so I didn't even get to catch the baby.
7. The time I catheterized a woman's uterus instead of her bladder. And then the time that I, a resident, and a nurse tried to catheterize a patient on the operating table who didn't even have a bladder anymore. Finally someone lifted up his gown and noticed the urine-collection bag on his abdomen.
"His heart is stopping! Nurse, give me the defr... defibi... uh... defrib...defibiri..."
"What, Doctor? What?"
"Oh, never mind."
5. The time I tried to treat myself for a urinary tract infection with left-over antibiotics from my medicine cabinet and nearly overdosed on a muscle relaxant instead. It was the week before I sat for Step 1 (my first board exam), and I felt sure I should just get out of medicine right then and there, obviously having learned nothing from an entire year of pharmacology.
4. Did I ask a 44-year-old patient who had had a tubal ligation at 18 and a hysterectomy at 30 what she used for birth control? And when she told me "condoms," did I proudly include that information in my report to the attending physician, who promptly did a double-take? Yes, yes I did.
3. The time I gave myself acute kidney injury. I knew I was volume depleted from finishing my period and giving blood, but I wanted to bike 10 miles to and from the farmers market the next day, so I went ahead and ate the verrrry salty dinner Dear Husband had prepared, thinking the salt would help me retain fluid and increase my blood pressure in the morning. Instead, I woke up with periorbital edema (puffiness) so bad that I could barely open one eye. I ended up drinking ridiculous amounts of water to flush out my system.
2. The time I "diagnosed" an image on a medical website as pornographic. Here's the original copy from facebook:
The medical students and residents are crowded into the attending's office to go through a computerized dermatology case that involves a photo of a tattoo. Attending: Now what do you suppose it's a tattoo of? It is an idle question that has nothing to do with the case, which we've just collectively solved. Someone points out that it looks like a person. Someone else volunteers that it looks like an insect eating a man. It suddenly dawns on me: the "insect" legs belong to a woman, who is crouching in front of a man. "It's a blow job!" I blurt out. Silence in the room. Most of these people have just met me yesterday.
Attending: "Oh my goodness, I think you're right!" Verdict: It was a tattoo of Olive Oyl going down on Popeye.
1. The time I tried and failed to find a posterior tibial pulse in a patient's left leg. It was a prosthetic leg.